If Kids Don’t Feel Safe - They Will Find a Way to Feel Safe - And Might Not be Safe at All
In my last post, I wrote about how joining a team or a gang can fulfill the emotional need for belonging. This got me thinking about the rest of the needs that kids—and, quite frankly, all of us humans have, the most primal of which is the need to feel safe. Because when kids or adults alike don’t feel safe…bad things can happen.
Writing about stuff like this has its challenges, one of which I am facing at this very moment. Some of the topics I have written about—and indeed many more—will be thought-provoking and, for me, at times, deeply personal. Some of the stories I’ve never told are the very instances of life that got me thinking the way I do, caring about the stuff that I care about, and ultimately leading me to my decisions. This is true of all of us, isn’t it?
“I got the sword! Now what?”
Take, for instance, a middle school child who stood in his own kitchen and watched his mother get punched in the face by his intoxicated uncle. At just 12 years old, he moved toward his bedroom, hearing the screaming and yelling behind him as he hauled ass up the stairs. He went to his room, crying and in a full panic. He had two practice swords in his closet – not sharp but made of steel. He grabbed one. He held it tight with two hands, went toward his door, and stood there, just listening.
When the dust from this one finally settled, the boy had a visual reminder of that night in his mother’s swollen eye. And the turmoil that followed – wondering if there’d be a caged match between his father and his uncle at some point in the future – or worse, wondering who one can really trust in this world – violent events such as these take their toll. How does that kid wind up later in life? Will he be constantly in trouble? Or will he work with troubled kids? Might he wind up in jail? Or perhaps working in one? Does he continue the cycle of abuse? Or does he break it? And what about school? How does he do in the days and weeks following an event like this?
Without going into a long essay on free will vs. determinism, let’s say that kids' primal sense of safety was compromised by these experiences. There are appropriate ways for kids to feel safe – calling out, crying, and talking about their fears. But some kids run away, others throw tantrums, those who fight, and yes – even some who take to carrying weapons. When I was working in Everett, I had a conversation with one teen who was kicked out of a charter school for carrying a knife. Stupidly, I asked him why he brought it to school. He looked at me as if I were kidding. Like, who the hell doesn’t carry a knife to school? “Man, c’mon. You know where I live.” He said to me.
Interventions must take place sooner than this!
Public education plays a pivotal role in addressing the needs of children, particularly those stemming from experiences that have compromised their sense of safety. The story of a middle school child grappling with domestic violence at home brings to light the critical need for schools to be more than just places of academic learning; they must also serve as sanctuaries of emotional safety and support. It is in the halls and classrooms of our schools that we can intervene and provide alternative narratives to those of fear, violence, and mistrust that some of our littles live with. In our schools, we need to foster environments where every kid, regardless of their background, feels safe, seen, and supported.
This Stuff Works
Public education's challenge is integrating social-emotional learning with traditional academic instruction, teaching children how to manage their emotions, set and achieve positive goals, show empathy for others, establish and maintain positive relationships, and make responsible decisions. For that boy who felt the need to arm himself with a knife for protection, the school could be where he learns healthier ways to cope with his fears and anxieties. Educators and support staff can play a significant role in identifying children who are in distress and ensuring they receive the care and support they need, whether through counseling, mentorship, or connecting them with resources outside of school.
Moreover, public education can act as a bridge to community services and support networks that can assist families in crisis, addressing the root causes of children's fears and helping prevent future trauma. In partnership with community-based organizations (CBO), schools can provide educational programs for parents and guardians on conflict resolution, substance abuse, and parenting strategies that promote a safe and nurturing home environment. The CBO thing has to be worked out and forged by administrators on both sides who give a shit. The schools and these organizations cannot work in silos – particularly when they can be stronger and better together. This is where having the right people in the right places comes in. These networks do not, nor will they ever build themselves.